Letting go….

“…at night it’s the worst. I hear ambulances, or noise…I jump up out of the bed with this scared panicky feeling…only, I don’t know what I am scared for, because what I feared the most, already happened…I still feel like he is going to walk through that door any moment now and hug me as if its all a nightmare…”

I can’t really grasp, with full conviction, the enormity of the events around me.
My best friend, my life is no more..

If only I remembered the last moments we shared with certainty and clarity. I keep searching for it incessantly. What my last words to him were, how he just passed along, did he bid farewell?
I am just looking frantically, for some insinuation to explain it all. There is this niggling feeling inside me that assures me, things will be absolutely normal once I am able to explain them, to reason them and reason with them. To try and convince ‘reason' that all this is just a terrible mistake.

The last time we were together, he jovially accused me of hiding the remote. So trivial… he didn’t say he loved me or forgave me or that I would be okay, no kissing, and no farewell. Why didn’t he say anything else? Why didn’t he prepare me? We had plans; we had to live our life. One life, Together. He wasn’t supposed to just run out and die, leaving me with fragments of what was left of our dreams.
I don’t have any dreams without him. I have nowhere to go to, no aspirations, and no ambition.

I know he wants me to move on. He wants me to reminisce, but with amusing delightful anecdotes, shared among all those he held dear. I am impatient and incensed. How does he expect me to be riveted at a conversation about how great he was? He abandoned me. I had no one, but him and he didn’t even say goodbye. With what face does he seek impunity? How do I ever forgive him? How do I absolve him, or exonerate myself for not being strong enough to end my own misery?

This picture of us I hold was a promise and now that promise is broken…
What’s left is a frame and lone pillow, moistened by the abstraction of hope.


“I have two hearts, when you are around, they race like wild animals, and you can hear them thudding, competing to win yours over. Both of them refuse to function when you are not around, and I barely survive on the promise that I will win you over someday.”

He won me over with that ludicrous twaddle.

I still remember teasing him for all those years. What garish poetry, but what a man. He never feared letting people know what he truly felt. He always put himself out there, untainted and sincere. Never delayed, expressing his love. Never the reason for distress, never a bystander either. He would have wanted me to forget him. Let go of my sorrow.

But, my pain does not want to leave. The day my pain vanishes, so does his memory. I want to cherish this grief. I want to remember him eternally. I don’t want to live completely oblivious to the fact, that he treasured me more than he feared death, so much so as to gently pass on, not giving me a moment’s grief more than death bargained for.
So I need to stay in agony, my ‘aide memoire’.

Why do people seek such ‘atrocities’ of me? Why should anyone ever move on? Why is life meant to be lived in bliss, and not in sorrow and despair? If its torture, it’s because something priceless and irreplaceable was lost. It’s not meant to be ‘moved on’ upon. People say live in the present. This is my present. And this will always remain my present, my dreadful loss.

I lost a part of my life today. I am paralyzed. My brain doesn’t think and my heart rarely beats. I merely exist now. Our life, as I nurtured and cherished for years, is over…

I didn’t deserve this retribution. It feels almost vindictive on gods’ part. It’s cruel and merciless, depriving someone of a final goodbye. What pitiable abhorrence. I sympathize with god, for being so human after all. My faith is dead, obsolete.

I sound irrational; am i not allowed to be?
Is there anything that could seem reason enough for me to forgive god for my misfortune?

The truth is, we live under the impression that we get what we deserve. Life seems to be all about ‘Karma’ and ‘circles’. That’s not the way it works. At least mine didn’t. What good did I ever do to deserve him in the first place? That love, honesty and forgiveness? My life completely turned around, in awe and admiration of this ingenious fabrication of fate. I had with me, all those years of chaste blessing in the form of this man who made me complete. This wonderful friend, who taught me how to love unconditionally and express it without hesitation.

Maybe there is no god. There is just destiny, good and bad luck. It doesn’t depend on fortune or deed. There is no algorithm to decipher this clandestine. It’s unstructured and vague. It grants you your choices and actions, also conceding you the occasional indulgences and denials. He was my indulgence, my good luck. I did nothing to deserve him, and I can do nothing to calculate and interpret my loss. That’s just the way life is. That’s the only way I can ‘explain’ it and finally Let Go.