An end too soon...

I sit on my bed, reading old letters and diary entries, trying to recollect the eventful journey these past three years have been. I feel desolate, somber somehow. I didn’t think I had it in me to be serious, ever. A feeling of emptiness floods me. I don’t really understand it. I have had a full life in college, there is nothing that I regret or still crave. What is it then that fills me up with this sense of losing something I never had?? An implication of being incomplete.

I was many people in college. I could afford to be. I experimented with people and their reactions. I took it as a ‘course’ to prep me for people I met later in life. I made choices, drastic ones, mostly impulsive. My choices did not have lifelong implications and I am not done exploiting that yet. Isn’t this what we all crave for?? A life of full authority but negligible liability..??

I made friends that in true definition are my family now. I loved them like I have never loved my own siblings. I met people who detested me. I let people hate me and enjoyed loathing them as well. I experienced diversity in regions but unity in thousands.

I took quantum physics and I butchered the subject so badly that it ashamed my teachers to fail me and allow me the massacre again. I politely threatened my ‘acquaintances’ to let me play innumerable basketball matches. I didn’t care till the time I was on every team playing my energy’s limit daily. I bullied juniors to tears from under the ‘invisible’ cloak of a department interview.

I painted on my walls, crude derogatory testimonials to the institute and its rules. I didn’t bother to remove it; the look on their faces was precious. I was penalized for coming late, in an uninhibited state of intoxication. I came that way again. And again. And again. And then they just gave up.

I lived with expression, with compassion and ambition. Then I lived like a sloth, surviving on the endless flow of TV series, enjoying their lives when mine seemed too demanding and laborious.

I gave up the right guy for reasons pertaining to matters of the heart and more. I loved the wrong guy for three whole years, suspending all my ego and self respect at his disposition. I got rejection and heartache, but I just held on. I held on because I knew it didn’t matter. I knew this behavior wasn’t anticipated. I was expected to walk out with my head held high. But my way was just so ‘different’ and implausible, that I did it just because I could.

College happens to be that one place where everything is possible. One is not too young, yet not old enough. It’s a place where responsibility doesn’t have to accompany every thought of risk and possibility. Whether it’s plunging into a career field completely unknown or taking a leap in love, falling head first every time. It’s a time when friends are made for the mere enjoyment of company, and not some underlying iniquitous purpose. It’s a world where trivial feelings of worthlessness, disappointment and betrayal have a face and are not hidden beneath masks of the pleasant disposition that comes with maturity. Every body is an equal, standing an unbiased attempt at self actualization and success. No problem is insignificant or petty, and if it’s too big then ‘li8’!!

Graduation marks the end of a life without consequences. It’s hard to let go. There is so much more I haven’t risked yet. I am not over my quota of this mad but lucky gamble.

Do not foam his room...

Some guys find it endearing, when girls play cute woozy pranks on them. They devour it as an appetizer to the girl's innate naughtiness!! A foretaste of that scrumptious 7 course meal awaiting unbridled consumption!!

But, LO BEHOLD!!! If the guy you worship exhibits the following symptoms, it’s in your sanity's best interest,to not give him any glimpse of your femininity. Else, once he is finished, you will remain no less than the little girl whose skirt he blew up when he was 5 years old. His foe in combat!!

Hem in the cuteness and DO NOT FOAM HIS ROOM if your crush exhibits the following symptoms:


1) He does not have a beard yet!! (lack of testosterone!!)

1st sign of keeping away from any form of subtle or in his face flirting!
(tiny hair on the chin which he 'shaves off' with a clipper, sadly- DO NOT COUNT).

He will probably misunderstand your actions as a 'scheme' aiming his downfall and think that your sole intention was to ruin his ‘macbook’ (his true love...sigh!!)
Remember when we were little and hated guys for their existence?? Remember how they never let Barbie get married to that damn GI JOE just because they didn’t grasp the concept of romance??? Put that precise logic to use and u will probably be his ‘Bestest Bud’ in no time!! just what you wanted all along( i am roasting with sarcasm)!!...yay!! :|


2) He gets drunk and leeches on to other guys!!!
NO NO WAIT!!...Gets drunk and calls people around him 'CHEMICAL SIBLINGS'!! What Pure Love... :) Back Off!! Lest you aim to be next in the family tree!!

(My sympathies, but, biological and philosophical don't really make it better!!)


3) The only chat U've ever had with him was about how nauseous he got when his neighbor did not shower for 3 days after playing a sweaty game of basketball.

I mean, you try your sexiness on him, and he will probably discuss your body odor and your bathing regime...trust me...Its hard to get him to rise back to the same level in your eyes (sob!) (took me like 6 months..But then, I am resilient!!)
We like our men DIRTY(ish) (wink!) (Pretend to be dirty…Puhleeez!!)


4) You enroll him in a salsa class and he steps on your feet more than five times... Big mistake!! Before you know it he will be flinging you around trying to master the DAMN Art form!! (I mean who takes dance classes to learn dance?? Just stand there man!! Let proximity do its thing…) ;)


5)You are prancing about, in a basketball game, trying to be your dainty best and the only body contact he gives you is a Moving Screen that almost knocks you over!! Get your act together gurl!!! Its probably best to just let the court be the battle field it’s meant to be n give his ribs a taste of your elbow and inertia!!

6)You get drunken n loose ;)What a time to take one of those cute 'advantages' guys try to take BUT he grabs the opportunity, and steals your food!! Tragic!! (sadly, It’s happened with me) But, if I could get over it, then it’s possible for even a pig to love him again!!

7) You finally get a chance to sit together on the bus, that anticipation, heart thudding at the idea of propinquity, and he calls you- wait for it- ‘BROAD’ (weep!!!) I mean, you are not even fat, but he still hits you with it!! It’s SOOO the time for class 3rd verbal brawl!!! Screw the cuteness, bring on the ‘Pimple face’, ‘chicken leg’, ‘cheese head’ and throw in some ‘Dude?? where's is your beard???’

I mean it’s supposed to be the 'decent guy code' to never call a girl anything more than anorexic. If you see Chivalry ceasing to exist, bring on the stilettos.

But finally, if the whole reason he is upset with you and behaving like a total five year old is because he is jealous of a romantic card you once made for someone else you loved, it’s just worth it to give him a hundred chances and be in love with him despite everything! (smooch!!)

If not, Then its just so much fun getting down to his level and playing 'class 3' again...Just keep buggin him n have your fun!!

P.S: This is out of jest; I have over exaggerated and dramatized without shame!!

Letting go….

“…at night it’s the worst. I hear ambulances, or noise…I jump up out of the bed with this scared panicky feeling…only, I don’t know what I am scared for, because what I feared the most, already happened…I still feel like he is going to walk through that door any moment now and hug me as if its all a nightmare…”

I can’t really grasp, with full conviction, the enormity of the events around me.
My best friend, my life is no more..

If only I remembered the last moments we shared with certainty and clarity. I keep searching for it incessantly. What my last words to him were, how he just passed along, did he bid farewell?
I am just looking frantically, for some insinuation to explain it all. There is this niggling feeling inside me that assures me, things will be absolutely normal once I am able to explain them, to reason them and reason with them. To try and convince ‘reason' that all this is just a terrible mistake.

The last time we were together, he jovially accused me of hiding the remote. So trivial… he didn’t say he loved me or forgave me or that I would be okay, no kissing, and no farewell. Why didn’t he say anything else? Why didn’t he prepare me? We had plans; we had to live our life. One life, Together. He wasn’t supposed to just run out and die, leaving me with fragments of what was left of our dreams.
I don’t have any dreams without him. I have nowhere to go to, no aspirations, and no ambition.

I know he wants me to move on. He wants me to reminisce, but with amusing delightful anecdotes, shared among all those he held dear. I am impatient and incensed. How does he expect me to be riveted at a conversation about how great he was? He abandoned me. I had no one, but him and he didn’t even say goodbye. With what face does he seek impunity? How do I ever forgive him? How do I absolve him, or exonerate myself for not being strong enough to end my own misery?

This picture of us I hold was a promise and now that promise is broken…
What’s left is a frame and lone pillow, moistened by the abstraction of hope.


“I have two hearts, when you are around, they race like wild animals, and you can hear them thudding, competing to win yours over. Both of them refuse to function when you are not around, and I barely survive on the promise that I will win you over someday.”

He won me over with that ludicrous twaddle.

I still remember teasing him for all those years. What garish poetry, but what a man. He never feared letting people know what he truly felt. He always put himself out there, untainted and sincere. Never delayed, expressing his love. Never the reason for distress, never a bystander either. He would have wanted me to forget him. Let go of my sorrow.

But, my pain does not want to leave. The day my pain vanishes, so does his memory. I want to cherish this grief. I want to remember him eternally. I don’t want to live completely oblivious to the fact, that he treasured me more than he feared death, so much so as to gently pass on, not giving me a moment’s grief more than death bargained for.
So I need to stay in agony, my ‘aide memoire’.

Why do people seek such ‘atrocities’ of me? Why should anyone ever move on? Why is life meant to be lived in bliss, and not in sorrow and despair? If its torture, it’s because something priceless and irreplaceable was lost. It’s not meant to be ‘moved on’ upon. People say live in the present. This is my present. And this will always remain my present, my dreadful loss.

I lost a part of my life today. I am paralyzed. My brain doesn’t think and my heart rarely beats. I merely exist now. Our life, as I nurtured and cherished for years, is over…

I didn’t deserve this retribution. It feels almost vindictive on gods’ part. It’s cruel and merciless, depriving someone of a final goodbye. What pitiable abhorrence. I sympathize with god, for being so human after all. My faith is dead, obsolete.

I sound irrational; am i not allowed to be?
Is there anything that could seem reason enough for me to forgive god for my misfortune?

The truth is, we live under the impression that we get what we deserve. Life seems to be all about ‘Karma’ and ‘circles’. That’s not the way it works. At least mine didn’t. What good did I ever do to deserve him in the first place? That love, honesty and forgiveness? My life completely turned around, in awe and admiration of this ingenious fabrication of fate. I had with me, all those years of chaste blessing in the form of this man who made me complete. This wonderful friend, who taught me how to love unconditionally and express it without hesitation.

Maybe there is no god. There is just destiny, good and bad luck. It doesn’t depend on fortune or deed. There is no algorithm to decipher this clandestine. It’s unstructured and vague. It grants you your choices and actions, also conceding you the occasional indulgences and denials. He was my indulgence, my good luck. I did nothing to deserve him, and I can do nothing to calculate and interpret my loss. That’s just the way life is. That’s the only way I can ‘explain’ it and finally Let Go.